PP I thought I was crazy

Lisa, Berlin, Germany, November 2019.
The first three images conceptually visualize the different stages Lisa, the subject, goes through when experiencing a panic attack.

"It suddenly starts with a a thought, the world that I have been part of zoomed me in and cut me out. I am alone. My heart starts beating fast, my breath gets short and my hands get sweaty, am I dying? I am dying! My thoughts go and I loose the outside world."

"The world and people around me are strange aliens that look at me and judge me, like I am something they will not understand and they want to get rid of. They ask me what is wrong with me, why I do not keep functioning. But I can't, I'm giving up, the fight inside is too heavy".

"And then I find myself caged. Why they didn't help me? They didn't even see me! It is so cold inside and around me. I feel embarassed of myself, of expressing myself, people will laugh at me. If I could be anyone else, I would. If I could change body, I would."

Sawmya, Chennai, India, January 2020.

"I looked strong on the outside, but I was broken and disconnected with my feelings from within. Instead of seeking help, I cut myself off from people around me. I put all energy to sound okay when talking over phone or meeting, but as soon as I came back home I felt broken. It became a vicious cycle until it started affecting me physically: falling sick regularly, allergies, auto immune syndrome. I either didn't like what I was doing or simply left things half way, sometimes out of fatigue, but subconsciously setting myself as someone who doesn't finish a job, self sabotaging in my head and following thought spirals of worthlessness. I was struggling to breathe, yet my façade was one of a super woman aesthetically stunning. I was the broken bridge behind me, I was the solitary crow with a strong and poetic look but alone and stranded.

I am so glad I found a good therapist and I found my way back! What I learnt is whatever we are feeling is real and we can seek professional help as we deem fit - it does not need pre-defined medical frameworks - sometime seeing a therapist is just like going to the gym to keep the mind fit.”

Sascha, Berlin, Germany, November 2019.

“I often think about how love feels like with a good girl, and sometimes I wish I was dead because my body is not perfect and too small.”

Andreea, Berlin, Germany, November 2019.
This photo is in black and white, hence different from the rest, as Andreea told me she cannot see her diagnosis in colors.

“There is agony deep down there. Depression is not the hardest part. It is simply numbing me from feeling the agony. When I come out of it, I can fly. Both ways, up in the highest sky, down in the darkest abyss. I sacrifice feeling for being functional, slowly turning into a stone, cut off, not of this world. But when I feel, it is overwhelming. All that joy, all that pain, all that freedom.
Art has become my medium, allowing myself to feel. Everything. Allowing my body to move on my little piece of canvas – my container - however it finds fit. Allowing for the darkness to come out, creating space for me to feel it, to bear it, to accept it, and to let it go."

"I thought I was crazy"